Will it Happen?

I am back to wondering if our family will ever grow through adoption--not in the usual emotional, weepy way, more in a academic, resigned way.   God has made it clear through prayer and peaceful confirmation that we are to stay with our agency--even when it would have been easy to switch agencies.  That basically means not switching to the Waiting Children program.  Then what are the odds of things staying the same for the one or two more years needed to finally receive a NSN referral from China.  Is God asking me to give up my desire for a fourth child?  (My husband still feels we will eventually adopt so this really is all just speculation right now.)

The thing is, I was really excited 3-4 weeks ago.  Our agency said they were rolling out changes to the WC program.  I thought these changes might be along the lines of looking at the list when it comes out, working directly with an orphanage, adding some children to their agency specific list, starting to encourage families in NSN to switch instead of actively discouraging...something that would help us find a child whom we could parent that needed us.

I got the e-mail about the new changes a few weeks ago.  Now I'll admit I didn't read them closely so I could be mistaken in what I read--I have not been able to get myself to look at them again.  My cursory view all implied that switching to their WC program will be even more difficult and even less possible for us.  First, there appears to be extra fees.  Secondly, for every need we feel open to we need to a. have a care plan including doctors lined up (to whom we have spoken), b. spend 1-2 documented hours with a child or family dealing with this need, c. write a letter explaining why we feel qualified to handle the need, and d. have a letter of recommendation (this might come from our SW) stating we are suited to caring for a child with this need.  Maybe there was some either/or in there, and I know other countries have fairly strict and similar requirements.  

I also know there is no way we can accomplish this.  We can barely turn in our paperwork for our Homestudy renewal.  I can avidly research things I feel passionate about, but feeling passionate about a special need when there isn't a child attached to it is not happening.  Perhaps this makes me a horrible person.  I am sorry. Let me be clear, we could probably pull this together for one or two needs, and we might do so.  But I don't see the point in whole-heartedly switching to WC and paying the additional fees unless we are open to more than one need, which we are emotionally but apparently not academically.  If I'm going to wait a year or two for a match because our focus is so narrow, I might as well hold out in the line I'm in.

But those are the practical reasons that cause me to wonder if this will ever happen.   Then I read posts about letting go of the desires of your heart--to turn it over to God.  And I wonder...

Is this something God is asking me to sacrifice...give up?  It would hurt my heart to never adopt.  The desire for a fourth child, through adoption, is as strong as it was 5 years ago.  Have I put that desire before my desire to know and serve my God?  I certainly don't want that.

It would hurt my pride--though we aren't proud to be adopting--but I would have tell everyone we gave up.  No one would judge (or few) but it would sting my person.  Probably because I struggle to admit I am not perfect and I am sinfully prideful of the fact that I keep commitments.  Can I confess and repent of this sin and not give up on adopting or...?  All He wants is a humble and contrite heart. 

Is giving up or going on the sacrifice God wants from me?  I wish I knew.