Never, Ever...Maybe?

We have been "adopting from China" for 5 years now.  5 years.  Only in the last few months have I started to think maybe this will never, ever actually happen.  IF that was because there were not children in China who needed a family, fine.  I will deal with it.  I would have to deal with it.  I do not want to kidnap someone else's child!  However, five long years ago we started the adoption process with the naive belief that we want a child and there are children that need homes--why not match the two things up?  It is way more complicated than that, and I understand that now, but understanding doesn't make the waiting easier.

And it isn't really the waiting, but the fear that I am struggling with today.  I have had moments of fear in the last 5 years.  Fears that my husband would die and I would have to grieve him and our future daughter, that he would lose his job, that one of my children would die, or that we wouldn't have the money to finish the adoption.  Never did I fear the actual complications that arose--a massive influx of applications into China that corresponded with less children being adopted each year resulting in a 7 year line in front of us; a vasectomy daughter; two grandmas (my step-mom and my husband's mom) being diagnosed with terminal illnesses and dying within 10 months of each other, both requiring extra care for this last year; my adoption agency being SUSPENDED placed on temporary probation.

Here's the thing.  Only that last one has dented my faith that someday this will all work out.  However, it has dented it big time.  I cannot imagine the despair families who will more probably have their referral delayed must be feeling.  But my blog isn't about them, it's about me.  And I am really scared right now.  What if we continue to wait with our agency, renew our homestudy with them, and they are NEVER reinstated?  What if they are reinstated but China shuts down the NSN program? What if they are reinstated, China shuts down the NSN program, and the SN program becomes so popular that we are NEVER, EVER matched unless we are open to a child who no one, even American doctors, expect to live more than 3 months?  Yes, every child deserves a forever family, and we will rejoice for the time God grants us with any of our children however short, but to bring home a child knowing...

Okay, so maybe that is going a little extreme, and I have read about families experiencing worse pain and complications in their adoption journeys, but the complications with our agency has opened up a whole new avenue of fear for me and it has undermined my trust in the system--a trust that I'll admit is a probably misplaced, but a trust that kept me going during the long wait.  I thought it was trust in God that was keeping me going, but some of that trust was in the system and my agency or this wouldn't throw me so far off kilter.  Obviously God is a whole lot more trustworthy, but HE never promised me a child through adoption.  HE promised me eternal salvation and to mold me to be more Christ-like.  

Romans 5:1-5:

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

So how much do I struggle against the system while trusting in God?  Do we start a SN adoption through another agency now while leaving our NSN paperwork in place? Would that be considered "hedging our bets" (a horrible thing!) or would it be the natural choice given that we do want to adopt two children from China someday and it could be another 2 years before we receive a NSN referral?  If we do a SN adoption should we have "faith" that we will someday have the little girl we have been praying for through the NSN route and choose a boy for our SN adoption as people keep saying that is the "greater need"?

Philippians 4:6-7:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Some days I don't have trouble with laying it all at the feet of Christ and leaving it in His hands.  Today is not one of those days.