Things That I Know

So the last day and a half I have been really upset because of some complications with our adoption agency's relationship with China--complications that will probably be resolved quickly and with little impact to our adoption.  Since I have started this blog, I have had days where I was sad but it has always been for others, for their complications and their pain, but today it has been about me (at least to me).  In some ways this is much easier, because I KNOW what comforts me and often I don't have words to comfort others.

So this is what I know:

Terrific steak dinner with family and friend, comforting.
Big Bang Theory, laughter producing.
Crushing my husband and friend in a game of Settlers, surprisingly satisfying.
Spending time with husband, soothing.
Talking to Social Worker for an hour, reassuring.
Knowing friends on WAGI are praying, heart easing.
Talking to best friend on phone, relaxing.
Spending time with God, necessary and sweet.
Remembering I serve a God of power, encouraging.
Giggles and kisses with my daughter, wonderful.
Daughter napping so I can update blog, really, really nice. 

My head is still stuffy from all the tears (some of which I think have to be about other griefs because I almost never cry for me) but I know this is just a small blip in the grand scheme of things and I know I will come out on the other side of this closer to God.

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Adoption News so Insignifacant as to Be Uninteresting

Today we finally got our Request for Background Clearance from New York State notarized.  We had to wait at the bank with all three children for one hour, but Oak has not had time during the work day to go in the past month.  We did get a Pumpkin Splash Smoothie from Jamba Juice next door to pass the time which helped but Huckleberry was late for a friend's birthday party.

This is the last clearance we need to have cleared before we can start our home study meetings with our social worker.  Hopefully it is pretty fast since our finger print clearance from the FBI should be coming back in the next few weeks.  Once we have all our clearances we turn in our personal answers to our history and set up a date to meet with our social worker.  Hopefully at that point they will have also received all of our personal references back already.  But we handed them out over a month ago, so we should be good there, I know.

I also found at Half Price Bookstore two books on adoption that I want to own: The Connected Child and 20 Things Adoptees Wish Their Parents Knew.  Sorry I didn't buy them from the WAGI Link to Amazon, but I cannot pass up a good deal.  I am very excited to have found them because I am out of renewals for the first one at the library and my library doesn't carry the second one.  Now to get off the computer and go read (or more likely hang out with family and eat).
 

Raising Adopted Children--a book response

I just finished reading Raising Adopted Children: Practical, Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent by Lois Ruskai Melina.  It took me awhile to read because I kept going on-line instead, but I finally finished it.  Now it isn't a bad book, and covers a lot of territory, but I confess I was a bit disappointed.  The whole time I was reading it I thought it was the book people kept recommending on WAGI as one of the best books out there that even gives advice on what to do during the teen years.  Turns out that book is Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patti Cogen.  I feel quite happy now that I know it is a different book, because this book just did not strike me as one worth purchasing and highlighting.

That said, I would say this book is a good place to start if you are just starting to think about adoption.  It touches on all the critical issues such as attachment, adjustment, talking about adoption, cultural identity, behavioral problems, and more.  At the same time it is very reassuring and affirming that you can do it; that these "adoption" issues are not insurmountable.  By reading this book you can see which issues you need more information on and can seek books dealing directly with that topic.  Since I am adopting Internationally by choice it did discuss some topics that were not relevant to me like open adoption, contact with biological relatives, and grieving infertility.  However, if you are just approaching the adoption question this book does answer a lot of questions that can help you make your choice.

The one point I found very helpful to be reminded of is that 90% of people of Asian descent develop lactose intolerance.  It did not list the risk of this for Caucasians but it did list the other 3 "races." This seemed odd to me.  My good friend said this shows a presupposition that only Caucasians adopt because Caucasians would know their own risk.  Ummm.  I guess it is a small reminder of white privilege. (My husband says maybe it is because the risk to Caucasians is so low--on-line he found estimates that range from 5-20%).

Well, my point is, we do not currently have anyone lactose intolerant in our family, but we are adopting an Asian child.  Odds appear high that she will develop lactose intolerance, so I will now be able to be on the watch for it.  Thankfully we have many friends who can provide us with good food ideas that do not require cheese.  Which will be good, because though we do eat Chinese food a lot, all of our other dishes require cheese.  We love cheese.  So much so that I told my sister on the phone the other day that we would probably have to eat dinner out since we were out of cheese.  She laughed at me. (My husband also found on-line the reassuring news that some hard cheeses will still be acceptable.)

Anyway, I am glad to have read the book, but I am really looking forward to the other book everyone keeps talking about.

We Are Grafted In--the blog and forum

Okay, my good friend here, I mean my on-line acquaintance whom I hoping will be a good friend, is having a give away of a charm from Jiayin Designs in order to generate business for them and to hopefully get the word out about We are Grafted in--a site with a blog and a forum.   

One way to enter the contest is to blog about We are Grafted In.  That of course would lead to more people checking out the site.  Unfortunately, I only have 3 readers, and two already belong to We are Grafted In, and one is really hooked on her Ravelry forum (for my WAGI readers it's a forum on knitting that apparently also talks about the t.v. show, Bones.)  So my blogging about We Are Grafted In* won't result in more people on the forum. 

However, it will get me one more entry in the drawing to win a charm that says daughter in Chinese which I could wear with my prayer box while we wait.  If you are not interested in a Chinese charm there is also a magnet set from Ethiopia, or you could enter the contest and win a charm and give it to me for my birthday, just saying...

Anyway, about We Are Grafted In (this link is to the forum because while the blog is nice it does only have a new post every 2-3 days--reasonable for a blog--but the forum is a forum and much more fun!)  I really am learning all about other moms who have adopted and love reading everyone's comments (and stalking their blogs).  I feel quite sad when I check the site (as I do between 6-20 times a day) and there is nothing new said.  Unfortunately, since I am not parenting a daughter from China yet, I do feel like I don't have much of use to say, but I say it anyway.  So I agree with Kelly and my friend at this site that we need more traffic at We are Grafted In so I have more comments to read and answer.  Hmm, how to do that?  Well, I'm watching Blues Clues with Sunflower, so I guess I'll just go to my thinking chair and think about that!

* The site gets away with not answering the question of whether or not to capitalize the A in Are by having the url address entirely lower case and the Title on the forum entirely in capitals.  Since the A in are is part of the acronym WAGI, I guess it should be capitalized everywhere, but it feels so unnatural!  WAGI is a great acronym, but part of me wants an extra G--WAGGI.  We Are God's--Grafted In?  Just kidding!
 

Can we ever be prepared?

I thought today's post would be on year two of our wait, but once again reading people's discussions have sent me off on another tangent.  Maybe I'll write about the wait later while the kids are at Awanas and Oak is at his Hebrews Bible study--all of that starts tonight.

Anyway, China is talking about more follow up visits or reports to China after a child is placed in a home in a foreign country in order to prevent gross neglect and child abuse.  It really doesn't matter to me what they decide to require.  I'm a Republican in the original idea of the party--less government, rules, etc.  more responsibility on the individual.  However, I'll happily jump through any hoops to assure China that one of their daughters is doing well in America.  

Ideally I think it would be wonderful to be able AS A FAMILY to send a report to China about how our daughter is doing.  Do you know why?  Because it will benefit my daughter.  Perhaps someday the file can be reunited with my daughter's birth family or a nanny that loved her.  My child can only gain by having more people love her and care for her well-being.  Whatever these potential reports say about politics or saving face or bad, bad abusers to the world, what it says to my future daughter is that her birth country cared for her.  It is her right to be cared about by her birth country, her right to believe that she matters to China.

However, can more follow-up reports no matter who is in charge of writing them actually prevent abuse?  Well, I don't really believe they can.

I think there are two types of abusers (very broad categories)--those that will abuse a child no matter what situation and circumstance, and those that occur do to situation, lack of preparation, etc. etc.  I believe the first type are mostly weeded out during the homestudy process.  If they made it through the homestudy a follow-up visit by a social worker will probably not weed them out after the fact.  These types of intentional abusers are very good at putting on an act.

The other type, which I like to think most situations fall into, can be prevented by proper preparation and SUPPORT which a good agency can and does provide.  However, how much is enough preparation?  Can we really expect pre-adoptive parents to get it all before their child comes home?  Training is good and necessary, but can we really apply it before we have a child?

I spent the first 27 years of my life looking forward to that day when I would have a child.  While I was pregnant I read all the parenting books, etc., but nothing actually prepared me for being a mother.  If I had truly known how hard it would be, and how it would impact my life, I might not have chosen to have/adopt children.  Studies show that the higher the education of a couple the less likely they are to have children.  You could argue it is because they are on a career track or like a lifestyle with money more, but perhaps it is because they know more and know parenting is hard.  

Don't get me wrong.  I love my children.  I am thrilled to be a mother, but no amount of book reading prepared me for the trenches.  Changing diapers is one thing, but counting your child's bowel movements at age 6 to assure he isn't constipated?  No one thinks they are a selfish person until they have children and have to put their childrens' needs before their own day after day, time after time.  I would like to be selfish again and not realize it or feel guilty.

Then you could have a whole new post on depression.  When my first son was born I became terrified of driving.  I'd never been fond of it, but this was a whole new level.  Until I came out of the fear, around the time my son turned one, I never realized how abnormal it was, how over the top.  Yes, I had read books about postpartum, etc., but I did not apply it to my life.  I did not have friends that came alongside of me and said, you should really do something about this.  (This is not a slam on my friends, we had just moved so my good friends were far away, and I had not made new ones yet).

So, did I go into motherhood prepared?  I certainly thought so, but I was wrong.  However, if I had been surrounded by other mommys, I wouldn't have suffered in silence--my subsequent two babies went a lot smoother.  We need to be able to talk to others and hear,  "this is normal."  We need to have a support system where we can call up our husband or friend and say, "I am approaching a line with my children I NEVER thought I would approach.  Please come over, please pray for me, please tell me what to do, please cry with me."
(Here is another plug for MOPS; this support is why I feel passionately about it as a ministry).

Now I am learning about the unique challenges that face a mother of an adopted child--grief, loss, attachment, unrealized expectations, race issues, cultural identity, etc.  I am following my agency's guidelines and taking training, reading books, and watching videos.  In the last month I have probably learned enough to run my own Hague training.  However, I am not in the trenches.  Applying this will be a whole new thing when it is MY daughter being stared at or offended by rude comments, when it is MY daughter crying because she doesn't know her birth mother's name, MY daughter being treated differently because of her race.

When I am in the trenches (beginning to hate this phrase, but cannot come up with a better one with my limited vocabulary), I will need SUPPORT.  I feel very fortunate, because my agency will provide this support--I was actually astounded to hear that so many agencies don't.  I will be able to call my social worker, whom I actually believes has a lot of knowledge and experience and wisdom, and she will walk along side of me.  However, if I was afraid it would all go into a report and put me in danger of losing my child, I would not seek the help that I will possibly need.  I am making friends with other adoptive parents online and at the forum We are Grafted In.  Already by looking at their posts and blogs I can see how what I am reading applies to real life.  Hopefully I will make friends with other adoptive parents in my area.

So what do I think China can do to prevent abuse of their children once home in a foreign country though I don't actually want more requirements?

Keep up the requirements for study and pre-adoptive training

Require Social Workers to be trained in International Adoption issues (or at least know where to go for help on these issues)  

Have new adoptive families partner with a family who has BTDT

Will this prevent bad things from happening?  Unfortunately No.  But it would lower the probability of bad things happening and help families actually blossom instead of wilt through challenges.

Our Hague Training

I don't want to fail to document the process, but I am really bad at coming up with interesting titles to my posts.  I think that is because I rarely look at titles even when I am reading books that have chapter titles.  I recall one book the chapter title was the first part of the first sentence so every chapter I felt lost.  Anyway...

We spent today at our adoption agency's office receiving training for adoption.  Topics covered were trauma, loss, grief, race, medical, parenting, and more.  There were 4 other neat couples taking the training (at least I thought they were neat, I might have talked too much for them to like me).  However, we were the only ones taking it again after 5 years.  One couple is planning to adopt from China, one from the Philippines and two from Ethiopia.  I invited all of them to join the Christian Adoption Forum--We are Grafted In.  I don't know if they'll join, but I'm hoping so.  The more that join on the West Coast, the more people will post when I'm awake.  Those East Coast mamas seem to go to bed so early!

It was a good day.  I like thinking this adoption will actually happen.  Our family feels so incomplete.  We are very grateful for the three families that watched our children so we could go to this event and enjoy it.  Each of the kids seemed to have a good time.  Thank you!