Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sunday Linkage

Every Sunday one of my favorite blogs posts a page called Sunday Linkage.  Every Sunday I tell myself, only read a few links at a time.  If you read them all it is too overwhelming.  You won't be able to process it all, and you'll learn less.  Every Sunday since I found this site four weeks ago, I read all the links in one sitting.  Today it was while my husband chatted with my dad, Huckleberry read, SnapDragon played Wii, and Sunshine napped.  I should have been at least pretending to talk to my dad, but instead I read links.  These links are all tied to adoption in some way or another.  They always make me think about topics my non-adoptive friends and my dad are not interested in.  It was a bad time to be reading links.

Today's Links seemed a little more upbeat about adoption than usual, and even if I didn't exactly agree, I didn't feel like it was something I'd never heard before or was utter nonsense.  Yet, when I finished reading, I just listened to my husband and dad talk.  I played Mario Party 8 without much enthusiasm with my family.  I went out to dinner to a Mexican restaurant (No, Mommy, I don't want Chinese today!) and couldn't wait to get home.  Why? 

Because I was sad.  I am sad.

I am sad that there is so much corruption in some countries that International Adoption has to stop completely although there are children who legitimately need homes.

I am sad that some birth mothers, oh, sorry, first mothers feel that they were forced to choose adoption by being brainwashed that they were not good enough to parent their child.

I am sad that children sponsored by Americans actually crave and keep the letters sent to them, and yet I know if we sponsor someone we would be lame at the letter writing part.

I am sad that some adult adoptees struggle so much to find their identity and peace.  That some feel new adoptive parents still don't get it.  That some adoptive parents still don't get it.

I am sad that an adoptive child might feel like they should be grateful to their adoptive parents for "saving" them no matter what the parents say.  That my child may internalize the message that she should be grateful because "she is so lucky" regardless of what I tell her.

I am sad that my daughter from China will not know her first mom's name.  That Shannon's 6 year old daughter wept about her loss and not knowing.  That any 6 year old should feel that type of pain. 

I want to have my heart expanded.  I want to feel the pain God feels for the hurting people around me.  Yet, I feel just a touch of it, and I can barely stand up under the weight.  I do not know how to change things or how to make people stop hurting.  I have been told that an adoptive mom shouldn't do counseling for pregnant mom's contemplating adoption because I will be too biased, but all I want to do is hug the 16 year old Cassi and say, "Losing your first child might be the hardest thing you will ever do, are you sure you want to give him up for adoption?"

Yet, still I read these links and I pray and I learn and sometimes I find a gem like this that helps me continue on as a pre-adoptive parent.

1 comment:

a Tonggu Momma said...

Oh, Cedar... I wish I could hug you right now. My husband really struggles to read my links every week. They make him feel sad, and angry, and sometimes confused. They aren't easy for me either, but he tells me I have some strange ability to compartmentalize things.

We, too, are waiting parents. And we have to believe that yes, international adoption is HARD, but growing up in an orphanage is harder. And that's really all I can say. (((hugs)))