Friday, October 14, 2011

My Poor Baby

Our homestudy is approved and signed and we should have it tomorrow so we can mail it in with our i-800 on Monday.  This news should make me ecstatic, and in some ways it does.  After all we have been working towards this for over a year now.  It'll be fantastic to be on to the next step and actually have hope of having our i-800 approved before we get a referral.

But on the other hand, I just feel like "whatever."  Today's post on We Are Grafted In finally helped me figure out why.  I am terrified.  In her post she talks about how after the big event (for them adoption, also, but it could be anything) life keeps going and sometimes it is hard.  Maybe sometimes it feels too hard.  She goes on with encouragement and advice, but I'm stuck on the too hard.

Already I too often fail as a parent and a friend.  Both boys were almost late to school today...Huckleberry was probably actually "visit the office" late.  Yes, it was homework issues and slowness in putting on shoes (who knew an 11 year old could take so long), but it was also me slacking off last night not following through on the homework and me not allotting enough time for shoes because a Friday start of 10:20 a.m. means I'm on the computer and not looking at the time.  Oh, I know all parents make mistakes and even my yelling "Yes, I did!" to the "you didn't ask me to do my reading minutes last night!" isn't the end of the world.

But here's the thing, it shows me my selfishness and my inability to act selflessly in order to be a good mom.  How much harder will it be when I need to love and nurture a child I haven't known from birth, who doesn't have reserves of love and confidence, whose real needs are more demanding than what I've previously experienced.

I fear the inability to leave her in the nursery...possibly not be able to attend a woman's Bible Study or even MOPS because of her need to attach to me, feel secure, and not be abandoned.  I fear the inability to sooth her because I do not know her, or because of sensory issues, or because she needs something I do not have.  I fear for my ability (or possible lack) to put her needs first day after day after day.  And yes, I fear my own selfish heart and the possible inability for me to love and bond to a child that possibly has more needs than a newborn and is more emotionally fragile than a newborn.

That isn't to say I believe we should not adopt or that God will not give me what I need in order to persevere and be the mother this child needs.  I just worry about days like this when every request is said a little louder than I intend and all I want is to put Sunflower to nap so I can do what...nothing?  Just so I can be ALONE.  Right now my children are fine, healthy, happy, secure...they can handle it when I have a bad mommy day...and those days aren't very frequent because mommy has Bible Study, MOPS, photography, blogging...I get a lot of time to myself.  

But that will change when our child is home from China.  Her needs, through no fault of her own, are guaranteed to take more of my time, in well-baby doctor visits alone if not sleep, attachment, sensory, and eating issues.  Now, I know I cannot do it on my own.  I realize I will need to rely on Jesus and that I am very blessed to have family and friends that will help if I can just express what I need.  I have no worries that we will have a catastrophic failure.

No, what makes me sad is that on days like this instead of rejoicing in a finalized homestudy I weep for my poor baby who is separated through now choice or fault of her own from one set of imperfect parents to be raised by a second set of imperfect parents who don't look like her, speak her language, or know her; who are selfish, have unspoken expectations, and who will fail her.

So I am a little terrified as we get a little closer to bringing home a child.  And I pray, Lord, don't let my compassion fail, help me to be selfless, give me Your love for her, please help me be enough...all while letting Sunflower jump on the couch even though it is against the rules because then at least she isn't jumping on me.

Sigh.  More prayer is needed.  And a few, you can do it, won't be rejected.


No Greater Love said...

I really know what you mean!

I think of this, too. What will I do when I have to be way more actively engaged in parenting than I am now. Not that I'm not engaged with my boys...but I know it's going to take a whole higher level after adoption than I am used to. Even the boys will need more, because you know they are going to have issues to work through too. There lives will also be dramatically changed.

But you know, Cedar, I think we'll rise to it. Remember what it was like when you brought your first child home...and all of a sudden you realized how self-centered you were before kids...and now needed to totally readjust to have your life revolve around this new little being....but you did it, right? It just became the new norm.

I think once we are actively in the role of "parent" to our new daughters....we won't think too much about all we are giving up...or how drastic everything has to change in our lives....we'll just do it.

Not to say it won't be hard. Oh my, having that first child was HARD...but at the same time we just did it, because it was our life now.

So...I will tell you, you can do it. Your compassion won't fail, you'll be selfless....and then sometimes you won't be as selfless as you would like....He'll give you His love for her...for sure...AND sometimes you'll let her jump on the couch with Sunflower, so you can just get a few moments of peace for yourself. :)

And when it does feel overwhelming...I'll be here to pray for you...along with everyone else in your life who loves you. :)

Stasha said...

Once you hold her, all will fall into place. You will see!