It almost feels like today is Sunday and Tonggu Momma posted Sunday Linkage (which is on hiatus while she focuses on going to China). There were just so many new thought-provoking adoption posts today, and I cannot process them all.
How can you not cry for the family who God moved heaven and earth to match them with their child only to have the child die before she could be brought home? Yet today, only a few weeks later, in the midst of their own pain, you see them rejoice over a child who a year ago was also seriously ill and today reached his 4th birthday happy and healthy in the arms of his family?
Or what about the teen girl who is settling into her forever family with the two brothers brought home a year after her--all with deep wounds but finding healing in their forever family and in Christ? Slowly, but finding purpose.
Then there are the children in Uganda highlighted at one blog--not babies, but children. Children who have no families but do have loving care facilities in their birth country. Children who want families and pray for families but might not find families because people like me don't want to adopt out of birth order; maybe can't even get approval to adopt out of birth order.
Or the post a few days ago about abuse in the foster care system. Abuse that is not perpetuated on every child or occurs in every family, but that even one child suffers is more than enough to make one feel ill.
And I think, God, who? how? what am I to do? Is there a child that our family can love, invest ourselves in, and, well, help?
But than I look away from the computer and come back to a whole new set of posts. This set reminds me that we did not choose to adopt because we wanted to rescue a child; we felt led down a certain path and we took it. It has not led to a child and may never. But neither has God changed our direction to switch to foster care adoption or older child adoption or special needs adoption. He has told us to wait and renew so we do. But waiting in the NSN line certainly feels embarrassing at times.
Yes. We would like to adopt a girl. Yes, we would like her to be younger than Sunflower. This apparently, according to one post I read, makes us delusional people who cannot see that our desire to adopt is the cause of all abandonments of babies. That if I do not see it I am defensive, unwilling to treat adult adoptees with respect, and unfit to be an adoptive parent because I will expect the child to be grateful and not listen to her. Maybe I am reading more into the post than was intended, but it is what I hear, and I don't know what to do about it.
Do we just not adopt?
What about the post last week about how horrible it would be to adopt a child into a family with bio-siblings because they would always feel less.
Before I go any further, I would like to say I understand these are complicated issues. That people have been very hurt by the adoption industry. That there are some unethical practices that need to be stopped. That I believe family preservation should come first in solving the "orphan crisis." That I think International Adoption is at best 3rd optimal choice for children who need families and possibly should be the 4th or 5th option. That if we adopt someday, either from China or the US, and do not strive to end social injustice in this world, we are in the wrong. (That all should be striving to end social injustice, but that is a different post, and I suck at it).
I also know there is no way to please everyone. People want me to adopt older, switch to SN, do foster care, or not adopt at all. Some see nothing wrong with waiting for a NSN baby girl in China while others think we are adopting so we can "be the exemplary, trendy, progressive multi-cultural, multi-ethnic family" we've always dreamed of being. I have no intention of pleasing everyone; I want to please God.
The problem I am having is who to even discuss these questions with as I try to see what is right. Those against adoption say don't do it. Those for adoption (not all but some) say why let that angry adoptee bother you? The contented ones aren't as vocal. Those adopting special needs (many whom I admire and respect a great deal) aren't necessarily pondering the issues I am pondering because they have the added confidence that they are definitely helping a child if only medically though always more. Some Christians say, well, this way they'll hear the gospel--like God cannot penetrate China with His message.
Will my dropping out of the NSN program in China stop baby abondment in China? Well, no. But what if I drop out and spend all of my time trying to convince the other 30,000 people in line to drop out. Will that change China's system? No. Can I change China's one child policy, its government, its illegal family planning actions such as taking an illegal child from its family or late term abortions? No. Then what do I do? Is it so wrong to want to bring one of those lost babies into my home, to want that child to love?
If I adopt while I already have 3 children, how do I help lack of shared genetics not cause her pain? Do I search for her birth family so she can have shared genetics? or is that taking the choice away from her and the search itself away from her?
Some adoptive parents in the world, according to the adult adoptees, listen and work for change and understand all the complications and the adoption isn't all "rainbows and unicorns." But these parents all "got it" after they had already adopted. Is there someone who "got it" before they adopted and still chose to adopt (specifically NSN)? I know of at least one, but she is very busy right now. What questions did they face? How did they reconcile it all? Does it all just boil down to God told me to do it, so I did? How do non-religious people answer the questions?
Many days I have my own set of answers. Many days I rest in assurance that each day I just need to follow God and He will set my path right. Many days I just live my life one day at a time and don't have time to ponder all the mysteries of adoption. But some days like today, I wonder if anyone else has questions and what their answers are.
I love my baby girl. She is sweet, smart, sometimes cuddly, and funny, so funny.
"Catch it to me!" she says when she wants you to throw the ball to her. She will even show you how you should hold your hands when it is her turn to "catch it to you!"
"That's Awesome!"
"Sunflower really loud!" when Daddy told her at swim lessons to say her name really loud for the other kids.
"Epic!"
"Guys!" when talking to or about her brothers.
"I love Captain Awesome.........and Mommy...and Daddy Guys!" when asked who she loves. I'm amazed at her persistence in putting Captain Awesome first since we haven't seen him for over a month and won't see him again for many more months if not years.
"Yeah!" accompanied by clapping hands and a happy dance for anything even remotely exciting.
"It's okay," when someone is upset or something falls, etc. Sometimes it isn't as okay as she says it is.
"I getting hungry," when she sees something she wants to eat (this is more annoying than funny but something I want to remember.)
"You so funny!"
I may not ever be a stand up comedian but my daughter might have that option--remember she is only two (and a half, Mama!). It is all in the grooming. Some raise their children to be doctors; me, I want a comedian (a clean, family friendly one).
When I first made this blog public, my goal was to write at least 30 posts before I was bored with it and to never, ever say..."sorry it has been so long since I posted, I'll catch up soon."
The reason for the first goal was I was following people's forum posts back to their blogs and finding one post. Sometimes I wanted to know a lot more. I figured about 30 posts would be the most anyone would need to feel like they were visiting a "real blog" and not an accidental web page. Since this is my 148th post on this blog and I have 58 posts on my photography blog, I have definitely achieved this goal.
The reason for my second goal should be self explanatory. I don't mind reading posts that explain why time has passed, but I cannot tell you how many times I've read someone's most recent post that said "I plan to catch up soon" that was posted 6-8 weeks ago. Truly bugs me--I feel like the person is clearly dishonest.
However, there is one goal that I "set" that I have not attained. I wanted to always be writing for me, to not feel pressure to write what I think others want to hear or to even post just to keep/get readers. I didn't want to lose my joy of blogging or have "write blog post" become something on my ever lengthening to do list. However, when I made this goal, I did not realize how much satisfaction I would derive from having readers and comments. If I don't write a post, I don't get "hits" on my blog. If my post isn't interesting or impact others, I don't get comments. Sometimes I lose readers because I'm not interesting enough, or they disagree with me, or people can only read so many blogs because oddly enough they also have a real life or some other reason.
It doesn't matter why some people read for a while and then stop. I exercise that same right towards other blogs myself. Losing readers or not getting comments can make me a little sad. I lose a little of the joy I receive from writing a blog post. It would not have that power if I had retained my original goal in blogging--the goal I had when I first started writing weeks before I "went public." My blog is a place for me to write, explore my own thoughts, reach conclusions, document my growth in ideas and my family history in order to become the person God designed me to be.
I want to go back my original motivation for writing, to be less self-conscious in my posts as I was earlier when I knew no one was reading. Blog visits and comments will always give me bursts of happiness, but I do not want them to be my reason for writing--especially since I get so very few comments here and my photography blog can definitely generate a satisfying number of comments--I want to write because of and for me.
Let's see if I can do it.
Blogger was down the only day this week I had time to write a post (Thursday before I committed to being gone all day today) so I'm going to send you to a link. I found it hilarious. Most of my readers may have already seen it, but for my friends not obsessed with adoption, you should definitely check it out. I believe you will find it funny and it isn't adoption related, in fact far from it.
So go check out my favorite Tonggu Momma and her recent conversation.
It is possible I find this particularly funny because it reminded me of our conversation with our then 5 year old and 9 year old boys about how our DNA is a mix of our mother's and father's with lots of information on chromosomes, etc. but not one question or answer on how they meet.
Also, I just needed a good laugh. Thanks, Tonggu Momma! Happy Packing!
Just so you don't get the impression that my life is all about me and Sunflower, last week was pretty busy for the boys, too. Each of them had a performance at school, SnapDragon finished his AWANA book (just in time), and Huckleberry was gone Wednesday morning to Friday afternoon for 5th grade camp. I am glad they didn't make us go camping when I was in 5th grade. He came home filthy and wet but beaming with happiness. I do have some pictures from their plays to show you so linking up with Monday Rewind.
On Monday, Huckleberry preformed a 5th grade version of Hamlet 4 times to all the other classes at school. Large portions of the plot were narrated to make it shorter and easy to understand and some of the plot was changed a little, but all of their actual lines came straight from Shakespeare's Hamlet. Huckleberry was cast as King Claudius.
He was originally disappointed he wasn't Hamlet until he realized he had one more line than his friend. Here he is hiding behind the tapestry.
We missed the end because Sunflower had to use the restroom, but I have it on good authority that the climax was quite exciting.
Then on Friday evening, after we picked Huckleberry up from camp, SnapDragon had his 1st grade play. 6 classes (1st and 2nd) said some lines about taking care of the environment and sang 7 songs. Sweet and short.
This was the wave at all the parents moment to get all the flashes out of the way. SnapDragon originally had a speaking part, but he switched so he could be a dancer.
He had a lot of fun!
It is hard to believe it has been a week since I've posted. May is not going to win my internal contest for most posts in a month. This is the longest I've gone since I started blogging; I would say that means I'm getting a better balance on blog land versus my real life, but I have been posting on my photography blog. It isn't that I don't have as much to say, but I have had more face to face conversations making the need to post a little less urgent. However, there is one story I don't want to ever forget and SnapDragon said I could share it.
My SnapDragon has really strong feelings when he sees things that are sad or people hurting. This can overwhelm him at times as he feels their pain so acutely. In an effort to give him some tools to handle this I've gotten some advice from people. One thing suggested was to remind him that God made him this way for a purpose and that feeling sad for someone can be a reminder to pray. The other day while he was sitting on my lap and the other kids were already in bed, I decided to try this out.
"Are you happy?"
"Yeah."
"You're sure?"
"Yes." (His feeling others' pain sometimes means he is unhappy himself, so maybe I worry a bit.)
"You know how you are so good at compassion?"
"Yeah."
"Did you know God made you this way on purpose, that there is reasons for it?"
"Yeah."
"What do you think one of those reasons might be?"
Silence...
"I know. It's kind of a silly reason."
"Oh? What is it?"
"So I won't kill the lucky things."
What popped into my head was the image that without compassion SnapDragon would just go around on a killing spree and so would everyone else, so I was momentarily quite horrified. It is always good to ask clarifying questions.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, ladybugs are lucky and if I didn't have compassion I would kill them." (We have never talked about the "luck" that some associate with ladybugs; he got that from his friends at school. But this now officially makes this an adoption post.)
Well, I refuse to pray for bugs, so we continued on with our conversation. He also thinks God made him compassionate so he "won't hit people and will care for people in harm." This led to a deeper, more personal conversation and prayer for a friend.
My husband was in the room clipping SnapDragon's toe nails during the conversation. I asked him what he thought later. He said, "Makes me glad I haven't given him more guff when he makes me not step on the earthworms."
Really, who would step on earthworms anyway. It is gross. It rains a lot here, so I'm always watching my feet.
