Thursday, April 12, 2012

He Goes Before

There are a lot of blog posts swirling in my head and heart that I have not written.  I'd like to claim it was lack of time and good priorities, but that would not be true.  It has a little more to do with the fact that in the evening it is really easy to switch from reading blogs, to words with friends, to facebook, to Bejeweled Blitz, and back again on the iPad...but it is not easy to type or blog.  And for some reason my husband will not let me claim both the iPad and the laptop as my electronic device of choice...leaving him with nothing.  So I play games and don't write my blog posts.

In theory that is fine.  Who is to say one form of self-indulgent pleasure is better than the other?  In practice I really do need to get some of these thoughts I can remember, process, and move forward.  It is what my blog is to me...a place to process.  It also used to be a place where I was funny...but I seemed to have lost my funny bone.


The truth is...I am mad at God right now.  Yes, it is my agency that would NOT LET US travel until May 2nd...but my heart says God could have done something about that...and He did not.

Yes, truth says God is in control.  His timing is perfect. He will work all things to good for those who love Him.  So I need to write truth, pray truth, speak truth and trust Him so my heart believes again.  I can pray "Lord, help me with my unbelief" and He will fact, most days I'm fine but...

Somedays I'm mad, sad, and not fine.  Today isn't even one of the worst days.  But one of the phrases I keep being "comforted" with is driving me nuts!  Sometimes we just need sympathy not a reminder of truth...sometimes we need to be kicked in the behind with the truth...but...sometimes a hug is better...

But I am beginning to hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason."

While I believe "everything happens for a reason" is true, I also believe sometimes that reason is because we are suffering the consequences of our failure or someone else's sin and hard heart.  Sometimes the ideal does not occur.  Sometimes I'm cranky for a reason...yeah the reason being that I chose to stay up late last night doing nothing not because God ordained me to have a cranky day.

So maybe we are not going to get Sweet Pea yet because we will get to travel with my new as yet unknown best friend. Maybe the reason is we will be in Jiangxi with some amazing people (some of which I have started making connections with on-line) and God designed those meetings for a reason.  Maybe my fellow August LID who has a baby in Yugan SWI will get her TA in time that we will pick up our babies together.  Maybe...

or Maybe the reason we are not going now when it would be most convenient for our family, where my sister would be here to say one last good-bye to my grandma, where my baby would spend 5 less weeks in an orphanage is because a person in China didn't want to do the work and the finagling to let us go with the March 28th group or any time between March and May 2nd.

So feel free to remind me of God's promise that "we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28 but stop telling me that "everything happens for a reason" because honestly I think sometimes those reasons suck.

(I wasn't too fond of the "Why would you pay for an update?  God has all the answers!"  But most have the brains not to say that!)

Now when the psalmists would start to feel despair they would list those things they have seen that show God's love and faithfulness.  Love and faithfulness He has shown me over and over.  So here is one of those stories in my life because I don't want you to think that because I am mad at God I have forgotten who He is.

About a year and a half ago there was a LOT of discussion on Rumor Queen about how much diversity in our life is enough.  We live in a fairly diverse area...more than 50% of my children's schools are minorities...but one point I started worrying about was role models.  Most of the adult role models in our lives are Caucasian.  So as I was driving the kids to the dentist I was praying.

"Lord, we love our dentist.  It is a nice office, it is specifically pediatric dental so they actually know how to work with kids, it is close, it takes our insurance...BUT the dentist is a white male and the hygienists are all blond and beautiful.  I seriously feel out of place, how will my Chinese daughter feel?  There are a lot of Asian dentists around.  Should I switch dentists?  Would that be a good way to add more diversity?"

And I got to the office...and they were still close, excellent with children, and took our insurance, but the staff was more diverse and in the six months since our last visit our old dentist had sold his practice to a young Chinese woman...and she brought on an orthodontist partner...a Chinese male.  Both are very competent and sweet.  While I marveled at the changes I looked around the waiting room.  There was one other Caucasian family...and they were speaking Russian.  I'm not sure, but I'm not sure you could find a more diverse dental practice anywhere in the world.

So while I worried and wondered, God had already gone before me to provide.  I know He is continuing to do so.   

The impatient part of me just wants to know what He is doing right now.


Bonnie, Jim and Ainsley said...

Hang in there!!! There is nothing I can say to make it all better. They are just hollow words because I know how you feel. No one else "gets it" like those that have gone through it. I wish I could have been your friend in China....but I will be your friend here....hugs to you my friend :)

No Greater Love said...

Well, you already know I completely agree with if I was there in person, I would only give you a hug, and listen to you with total sympathy. :)