Yesterday we went to Costco to get a bigger suitcase (we could fit everything in the 3 rolling bags we have but there was no room for the ways clothes expand once you use them.) While there I thought, "this is our last trip to Costco without baby sister."
It felt very profound to me. I've read blogs where people are counting the last Thanksgiving or the last Christmas, but as those days passed before her referral they didn't really strike me. Instead a trip to Costco almost brought me to tears (which I find particularly ironic since there is always a chance we will go to Costco again in the next two days; it is our second home.)
So what's my point? There isn't one.
In two days we leave for China to bring home a child. My mind hops from thought to thought...some happy and some sad. In a few weeks we will all be home here trying to find a new normal and at some point we will take a trip to Costco as a family of 6...and my husband will say, okay, now that we have 4 children it is time to stop taking everyone shopping.
So some things will be just the same. Some things will be very different. We don't really know which will be which, but for us that is part of the joy and excitement of adding to our family and seeing all of our children grow and change and mature and expand in their ability to love.
But for our new daughter EVERYTHING will be different. We'll try, but we probably won't even make her bottle the same. We won't sound or smell the same. We won't hold her or rock her the same. As many questions as the orphanage has answered for us, I cannot think of one single thing I will be able to do the same way as her Nanny did. We downloaded some Chinese children's songs, because they said she liked children's music, but they did not give us any titles so who knows if they are the same. We will hold her facing in and take her outside because they said she likes those things. We'll put her down on her tummy (which goes against every fiber of my brainwashed mommy training) because they said that is how she sleeps. But it won't be on the same type of mattress or color of sheet and how many blankets?
So while, yes, I am excited and happy to finally, finally be leaving for China and adding this precious, adorable little baby girl to our family, I am also very, very sad that my first act as her parent is to inflict a major trauma on her.
No child should lose everything they are entitled to (to be raised by their original family as an accepted member of their home culture) and everything they have (a loving orphanage and Nanny, 9 months of language acquisition, and familiar tasting congee) before they are even a year old.
Do I believe God can heal all wounds? That having a family is better than an orphanage...even a white American family who struggles with tones? Do I believe this experience is part of what will shape who Sweet Pea into who God created her to be? That my family will be blessed, grow, and become all the better by having Sweet Pea as part of us? Do I believe that this is finally the culmination of 30 years of my hopes, plans, and dreams?
Well, yes, I do. But I also believe that some things about adoption (particularly the need for it at all) really suck.
It felt very profound to me. I've read blogs where people are counting the last Thanksgiving or the last Christmas, but as those days passed before her referral they didn't really strike me. Instead a trip to Costco almost brought me to tears (which I find particularly ironic since there is always a chance we will go to Costco again in the next two days; it is our second home.)
So what's my point? There isn't one.
In two days we leave for China to bring home a child. My mind hops from thought to thought...some happy and some sad. In a few weeks we will all be home here trying to find a new normal and at some point we will take a trip to Costco as a family of 6...and my husband will say, okay, now that we have 4 children it is time to stop taking everyone shopping.
So some things will be just the same. Some things will be very different. We don't really know which will be which, but for us that is part of the joy and excitement of adding to our family and seeing all of our children grow and change and mature and expand in their ability to love.
But for our new daughter EVERYTHING will be different. We'll try, but we probably won't even make her bottle the same. We won't sound or smell the same. We won't hold her or rock her the same. As many questions as the orphanage has answered for us, I cannot think of one single thing I will be able to do the same way as her Nanny did. We downloaded some Chinese children's songs, because they said she liked children's music, but they did not give us any titles so who knows if they are the same. We will hold her facing in and take her outside because they said she likes those things. We'll put her down on her tummy (which goes against every fiber of my brainwashed mommy training) because they said that is how she sleeps. But it won't be on the same type of mattress or color of sheet and how many blankets?
So while, yes, I am excited and happy to finally, finally be leaving for China and adding this precious, adorable little baby girl to our family, I am also very, very sad that my first act as her parent is to inflict a major trauma on her.
No child should lose everything they are entitled to (to be raised by their original family as an accepted member of their home culture) and everything they have (a loving orphanage and Nanny, 9 months of language acquisition, and familiar tasting congee) before they are even a year old.
Do I believe God can heal all wounds? That having a family is better than an orphanage...even a white American family who struggles with tones? Do I believe this experience is part of what will shape who Sweet Pea into who God created her to be? That my family will be blessed, grow, and become all the better by having Sweet Pea as part of us? Do I believe that this is finally the culmination of 30 years of my hopes, plans, and dreams?
Well, yes, I do. But I also believe that some things about adoption (particularly the need for it at all) really suck.
7 comments:
Amen! So well said. The need for adoption totally stinks. So many things totally stink in this world....thankfully the Lord really does bring good out of really horrible circumstances....but I will be thankful for the day when there will be no more "horrible circumstances."
Happy travels! You're in my prayers.
Hee hee hee!
Exciting that you're in your final hours before leaving for China!!!
I remember buying milk and standing in the grocery store aisle as I realized Hannah would be in my arms before the milk expired. Heh!
Happy packing!
Exciting that you're in your final hours before leaving for China!!!
I remember buying milk and standing in the grocery store aisle as I realized Hannah would be in my arms before the milk expired. Heh!
Happy packing!
Pray God prepares her heart. With our daughter Hannah at 18 months she was scared at first, but by the 2cd day when we went to visit her orphanage and the loving nannies there who cried when we said goodbye, she wouldn't let any of them hold her. She clung to daddy for dear life and we've watched her continue to blossom and bond as the years have passed. It was an easier transition for her being younger than Lauren who at 6 came home with us last year. It's taking a lot longer for her adjustment though she's older and understands. There's so much more culturally to adjust to, but she's making real strides. You'll do great, have a wonderful trip!! Very excited for you all.
Well said!!!! The app I downloaded was blogsy . I really like it. Have a great trip, I can't wait to see you all together :)
Beautifully said!
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