Wednesday, September 7, 2011

My Report of My Report

Well, in the interest of being positive, it is done.  The psychologist was very nice.  We made it home safely after getting turned around 2 or 3 times.  God is in control.
The creator of all things living and beautiful is in control.
He loves me.  (We were finally able to stop talking about my potential lack of self esteem when I said, "look, I get my worth from God, and He died for me.  I do not feel worthless!  If anything I struggle with pride, perfection, and arrogance."--in fairness to the psychologist it was the computer generated algorithm that decided I was lacking in esteem.)
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11
Because I am afraid my husband or children will die, I apparently have abandonment issues. Since that is very common in adopted children, I now have a leg up on understanding my future child. But I do trust God.  I KNOW He will never abandon me.
Life may be hard and even ugly at times, but I always have a friend in Jesus.  He makes all things beautiful in His time.  All things.
Even my broken and ugly soul (this might be why the computer thinks I have self esteem issues) who is afraid of making friends for fear of rejection and keeps her innermost thoughts and feelings secret (Are we SURE I took this test?) God makes beautiful.  He did leave in "hard for me to make friends", "leery (and suspicious) of new people and situations", and "socially awkward."  I accept that about myself.
It was an exhausting and emotionally challenging time.  The end report ended up sounding better than I thought it could given the things we discussed.  And at times I felt like asking to take the test again as it was clearly inaccurate on a lot of issues.  (Unless I am passive, submissive, and malleable to other's desires and opinions, unwilling to take on leadership roles?)  Not that we didn't end up discussing real issues because IF we are going to write a 6 page letter listing my faults, let us list my actual faults.  Oops, that is my resentment of this whole psychological testing coming out.  God can help me let that go, and He will.  Because He helps those who call out to Him.

"I will cry unto God Most High, Unto God that performeth all things for me." Psalm 57:2.  That is a promise.
Next step send the report and letter to our agency to see if it is sufficient or if they need more.  It may entail another trip to his office for any revisions, but maybe not.  In the meantime, I just need to continue living the life that I have--one in which I am really very happy if a bit anxious about wanting a fourth child--and enjoying the family and friends whom I do have and love.  But I should probably start with a good night's sleep.

1 comment:

No Greater Love said...

Well, now I am in tears. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. Tell Oak to...and pretend it was me, okay?

I prayed for you quite a bit yesterday...even right in the middle of a meeting I had...I just sort of tuned out all of their talking, and was praying for you. And I will continue to do so. (Just don't tell anyone...since I was actually leading the meeting.) :)

I don't think there's any words to say to make you feel instantly better...but I sure wish there were.

I guess you can know, I am crying with you. I hate that you had to go through that yesterday...and I know how difficult it is going to be until you hear back from your agency...

I still don't understand so many things...but I do hold on to that verse in Romans 8 about the Lord causing all things to work for our good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.

Sometimes that gives me comfort, more than anything else.