Friday, April 8, 2011

Where is My Time Machine?

I have started this post three times now.  Who knows if this time is the last (edited to let you know that we all do now know it is the last).  This week God has been showing me how well He can deal with my sins of pride and desiring to appear perfect without us giving up on adoption.  I think this is good news since it means we can continue forward with adoption, but it doesn't feel like it in the middle of my humility.  Truly, every day I have made another mistake, one that cannot be hidden from my friends, family, and even on-line community.  Sigh, I am not liking it.

Now everyone has responded with grace.  No one else cares about my imperfections.  Sometimes in the past I have purposely pointed out my flaws to help others feel more comfortable.  I cannot figure out why this week of mistakes is so painful.  Maybe I haven't yet learned the right lesson.

I keep thinking it is about pride and having a broken and contrite spirit, but trust me, my heart has been broken since last Saturday.  I am ready for the comfort, God.  Wait, He has forgiven me.  He always knew I wasn't perfect.  Maybe it is just an answer to my question of should we give up adoption so I can become humble, but I have that answer.  Oh, maybe it is about becoming better at extending grace myself and growing in compassion.  That would fit with the lessons of last year and even the talks I've been hearing recently.  Ummm, I'll need to explore that more.

In the meantime, I won't bore you with all of my mistakes this week like being late for my grandma's birthday party, forgetting to put a memory card in my camera, and burning my egg casserole at MOPS (just three of many).  But I will confess the worse mistake I made this week.  It is one of the worse mistakes I have ever made.  If after you read it you think, "if that is her worse mistake she still doesn't know humility" then I haven't made it clear how important this is.

Saturday was the day for Huckleberry to go to the Regional Science Fair.  He loves going to the Science Fair.  Every student stands with their project for 2 hours while judges come by and ask questions.  He loves talking science with all these people actually interested.  He was the only student going from his school (about 80 participate) and only one of about six going from his school district.  It was a great honor to be chosen.  It is a great experience and last year he won first place.

Did you know that putting it on my blog does not add it to google calendar?  That talking to my husband about how it is the same day I want to be gone and having his agreement that it is okay for me to go does not put it in his ipod?  That sending an e-mail to my friends saying I am going although it is the same day as the Science Fair doesn't do anything?  That various e-mails from the Regional Science Fair director does not trigger my mind to realize the time is here?  There are so many variables and touch points that could have connected, but Friday, April 1st I did not remember about it, so Saturday, April 2nd, Huckleberry missed the Regional Science Fair.  This is something we talk and plan for all year.  I feel horrible that he missed it.  He has forgiven me, but me, I am still grieving. 

Now I feel like I should transition to some uplifting message about grace and love and how no one is perfect and God loves me anyway.  I'm not there yet.  But at least you know why I haven't written all week--if you were wondering.

I did intend this post to be funnier, but this just isn't funny to me.  It was pretty funny that I remembered the Science Fair at my MOPS convention when the lady was talking about mommy guilt.  She was saying how you can't do everything and sometimes you have to make choices to be a good mom, like she was missing her son's soccer game to be there.  I gasped so loudly she interrupted her talk to say, "see, you're horrified by it."  I didn't take the time to explain to her why I was horrified before I left the room.  I probably should have stayed to hear more tips about how to get past mommy guilt.  Do you have any ideas?

1 comment:

Julie said...

As you know, I have plenty to feel guilty about as a mom particularly as it concerns losing my temper. I try to remember what I learned from my counselor, when I feel like that I pray. I ask God to take away my guilt and replace it with peace so that I can move on and make better decisions next time. Guilt has a purpose in the beginning, to make us recognize our faults and ask forgiveness, to help us know we are not perfect and we need to rely on The One who is but beyond repentance guilt serves no useful purpose and in fact is a foothold for Our Enemy to make us useless. When we wallow in guilt we cannot accomplish the good works God meant for us.

So you're not perfect. I knew that already (JK!) and love you anyway. So does God. So does Huckleberry. So next time that pang of guilt hits immediately start to pray and if need be say "Get behind me, Satan" because God has already forgotten and would not be the one reminding you of this bad memory. *hugs*