Such a fun week--pumpkin patch, lunch with friends, Jeremiah Bible Study, Financial Peace University, playdate here for SnapDragon, my niece's volleyball tournament, and tonight my photography class. I've been spending a bit less time on my blogs to keep up with everything and my photography homework (which was quite challenging for me and did not produce share quality photos.) Also, Jeremiah talks a lot about our hearts being given over completely to God, to have no idols before Him, so I am praying for a little more balance and better prioritizing in my life. That is an oversimplification of what I'm learning in my Bible Study, but I don't have time to go into detail right now.
But speaking of balance...I have been trying to take pictures of the boys more instead of just Sunflower. I do love all of my children not just my cute baby girl.
In adoption news, today we got our paper i-800a receipt--basically the acknowledgment that the government received our i-800a application (which is requesting permission to adopt a child Internationally.) We got our electronic receipt Monday morning--or Sunday really, really late. Specifically we got a text a little after midnight on Sunday, or more accurately Oak's phone dinged waking us up to tell us there was a text. Somehow it didn't feel so bad when we realized it was our i-800a receipt--though the e-mail he read the next morning was probably sufficient.
Next step is a letter saying we can go in to get our fingerprints. I don't know how long that will take. Not too long probably in the grand scheme of being in process 6 years. 1 month or 2...that's downright lightening fast.
The rumor is that China matched families upto and including LID (login date) August 2, 2006. Not the largest group, nor the smallest, just about average. In fact it covers the 5 days I usually use for my math.
Puts us only 13 days of matches away! Most probably 2-3 batches away from match...possibly 1-4. A Christmas referral is not outside the realm of possibility though Thanksgiving would be a true Christmas miracle. Even China Adoption Forecast (who are notorious pessimists, but often proven right) has us getting our referral in Feb. 2012.
The real exciting part of this is that for the last few years China has only done 10 batches in a year. Sometimes having a big gap in October, November. One year only getting to 10 batches by having 2 in December. This October batch brings them to 10 batches this year. That may mean we won't see a batch until January, but I think it is more likely we'll still see at least one more batch if not two this calendar year.
Since at the beginning of the year I didn't think they would get into August LIDs at all until January, I am nothing but excited!
I just finished my homework for my Jeremiah class that meets tomorrow. I had put it off all week, but today was a half day of school...so SnapDragon was home to entertain Sunflower...and Netflix streaming was working...so I got it all done. It is good to have it done (5 days of homework in one sitting was not the ideal method), but also just great to let God's word seep into me.
Jeremiah 9:23-24: Thus says the LORD, “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the LORD.
How can I understand and know God unless I spend time with Him and study His word? And I really want to Know Him because I love to boast; I mean because I want to follow God, not myself as the people in Jeremiah did. Have you not studied Jeremiah? Trust me, you want to Know God.
And really...the Lord exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth and delights in these things. That is the team I want to be on.
Received our completed homestudy today (not Saturday as promised)! I-800A application completed and ready for FedEx tomorrow. Approximately 10-12 weeks for I-800A approval (with some fingerprints in between).
I am hoping for the faster end of approval and for it to occur one day...and only one day before referral. What? It could happen!
It feels so exhilarating to be waiting on the US government for this next step instead of our agency...who we can call and annoy. Ummmm, puzzling over this, but still excited!
(By the way, our social worker is moving to Montana at the end of October and we will have a new social worker, again. 3rd one for this adoption. Who said we didn't have perseverance?)
Today we went to the zoo; not our usual zoo, but the one an hour North. So fun! They have lots of animals our zoo doesn't have. I'd won the tickets from one of the blogs I read--The Good Life. I took a ton of pictures. We had a great day!
There was lots of birds...
Children...
A Jaguar...
Apes...
Drummers...
Climbers...
I don't remembers (some kind of goat?)...
Hornbills...
Flowers...
Huckleberries...
Giraffes...I LOVE Giraffes...
Hippos...
Maps...
Lions...
SnapDragons...
Sunflowers...
My Family...
Our homestudy is approved and signed and we should have it tomorrow so we can mail it in with our i-800 on Monday. This news should make me ecstatic, and in some ways it does. After all we have been working towards this for over a year now. It'll be fantastic to be on to the next step and actually have hope of having our i-800 approved before we get a referral.
But on the other hand, I just feel like "whatever." Today's post on We Are Grafted In finally helped me figure out why. I am terrified. In her post she talks about how after the big event (for them adoption, also, but it could be anything) life keeps going and sometimes it is hard. Maybe sometimes it feels too hard. She goes on with encouragement and advice, but I'm stuck on the too hard.
Already I too often fail as a parent and a friend. Both boys were almost late to school today...Huckleberry was probably actually "visit the office" late. Yes, it was homework issues and slowness in putting on shoes (who knew an 11 year old could take so long), but it was also me slacking off last night not following through on the homework and me not allotting enough time for shoes because a Friday start of 10:20 a.m. means I'm on the computer and not looking at the time. Oh, I know all parents make mistakes and even my yelling "Yes, I did!" to the "you didn't ask me to do my reading minutes last night!" isn't the end of the world.
But here's the thing, it shows me my selfishness and my inability to act selflessly in order to be a good mom. How much harder will it be when I need to love and nurture a child I haven't known from birth, who doesn't have reserves of love and confidence, whose real needs are more demanding than what I've previously experienced.
I fear the inability to leave her in the nursery...possibly not be able to attend a woman's Bible Study or even MOPS because of her need to attach to me, feel secure, and not be abandoned. I fear the inability to sooth her because I do not know her, or because of sensory issues, or because she needs something I do not have. I fear for my ability (or possible lack) to put her needs first day after day after day. And yes, I fear my own selfish heart and the possible inability for me to love and bond to a child that possibly has more needs than a newborn and is more emotionally fragile than a newborn.
That isn't to say I believe we should not adopt or that God will not give me what I need in order to persevere and be the mother this child needs. I just worry about days like this when every request is said a little louder than I intend and all I want is to put Sunflower to nap so I can do what...nothing? Just so I can be ALONE. Right now my children are fine, healthy, happy, secure...they can handle it when I have a bad mommy day...and those days aren't very frequent because mommy has Bible Study, MOPS, photography, blogging...I get a lot of time to myself.
But that will change when our child is home from China. Her needs, through no fault of her own, are guaranteed to take more of my time, in well-baby doctor visits alone if not sleep, attachment, sensory, and eating issues. Now, I know I cannot do it on my own. I realize I will need to rely on Jesus and that I am very blessed to have family and friends that will help if I can just express what I need. I have no worries that we will have a catastrophic failure.
No, what makes me sad is that on days like this instead of rejoicing in a finalized homestudy I weep for my poor baby who is separated through now choice or fault of her own from one set of imperfect parents to be raised by a second set of imperfect parents who don't look like her, speak her language, or know her; who are selfish, have unspoken expectations, and who will fail her.
So I am a little terrified as we get a little closer to bringing home a child. And I pray, Lord, don't let my compassion fail, help me to be selfless, give me Your love for her, please help me be enough...all while letting Sunflower jump on the couch even though it is against the rules because then at least she isn't jumping on me.
Sigh. More prayer is needed. And a few, you can do it, won't be rejected.
